Agony Over the Eagle

There’s a pain of agony that just can’t be understood,
When a teenager takes a shotgun
and blows it through his mouth and out his ear.
No one can explain the tragic event,
Or know what he was thinking.
All we can know is that it happened.
And when it did it took the one we loved so much.
I don’t know why he did it, but I wish I could take it back.
I wish it was just a nightmare,
A nightmare that no one can bring to reality.
Why did it have to be my cousin?
He was so young and loved.
What could he have possibly been thinking
When he pulled that trigger?
He was so optimistic and had plenty of friends and family,
A beautiful fiance,
and so much that you would have thought he was happy.
But maybe he wasn’t.
It’s so hard to explain a heartache,
And a heartache is hard to handle.
Maybe he just couldn’t handle what he couldn’t explain.
I don’t know.
I just know I love him and miss him so much.
Please give him back.
Forever in agony over the eagle.

2-24-1992 Monday
Written by Gail Brookshire
Inspiration: Dean. I love you!

Stolen of Breath

If I could change life,
there would be no death.
What is the sense of living,
if you’re soon stolen of breath?
Life is such a coy thing
with the way it likes to play.
Why does it look to be so cruel
by taking people away?
I don’t understand it.
I guess I never will.
To fall in love and die someday
can be the final kill.
So won’t you try to analyze
the results of even trying.
There’s no use in living
when we’re already dying.

9-19-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)
PS. This was written years ago from the hurt of so much loss. Especially the loss of my cousin Dean, who was just 19 and died a week before graduating high school.

One Last Shot

For so many months now,

I’ve denied you were even gone.

I can’t believe it’s really true,

or understand what went on.

No one knows the mystery

you’ve taken to the grave.

What made you find the guts to do

something that’s really brave?

Well, I guess I’ll never really know

just what it was that took

a beautiful caring young man

and made him go for the hook.

Within the night he took a shot

at giving one last breath.

But unfortunately fate erupted

and brought to him his death.

What will ever stop the agony

that fills a heart like his?

I wish I knew a way to change

the reality that exists.

 

11-23-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)

Inspiration: Dean

If Someone Dies

If someone dies and their soul is taken by the evil world,
can that person come to their family and friends,
who are religious, in a good dream or way?
I mean their soul is evil or bad, because they must go to hell,
does this mean that the only way you can see them is through evilness?
Will this loved one or friend be used against
their religious family and friends to bring them to hell?
Will Satan try to use them to get his way with their souls?
I just wonder because of Dean.
I’m not saying he went to hell.
I’m scared because I don’t know.
It could be either way.
How do we know?
We’re not God.
We just have to have faith in God
and make sure we want heaven,
no matter where he went to.

7-9-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)
Inspiration: Our family was discussed this topic upon Dean’s death because we had been taught anyone committing suicide goes to hell. I was confused myself then. In the last 27 of growing in the Lord and His word since, the Lord instructs me that we are not God and do not know if someone asks God to forgive them just before they commit suicide, or at anytime in the process. If I am unable to guarantee 100% that someone made it to heaven (which I cannot do since I am not God) then I cannot rule 100% that they did not.
Regardless of where a person lives in eternity, God’s word tells us not to have anything to do with familiar spirits, so I do not believe God uses or allows spirits to return to haunt us.

I MISS THE LOVE

Sweet Jesus,
I miss the love we use to have. It brought me so close to you.
Yes, I know I still love you and never stopped.
And I know you know that.
But I also know you understand what I’m talking about.
I wish I could understand these new changes that I’ve went through.
I know they’ve all been meaningful and helped me to learn a lot,
but I often wonder why it was allowed
for our relationship to grow so far apart.
Not really our relationship apart because like I said,
I’ve always loved you.
But what could have possibly been so meaningful
that I needed to walk away from the obedience I tried so hard to get closer to?
I know I never became perfect or anywhere near,
but surely I was doing so much better then than I am now.
As least I walked in the thought of your love
instead of what I thought had come to make me happy.
God, you are what makes me happy.
Ecstatic.
Without you, I am miserable.
I’m nothing.
I can’t stand to be alive without you.

7-7-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)

He’s Dead and Gone

He’s gone and no one could bring him back.
He’s dead and life is all he lacks.
Why can’t we give him the breath to reawaken now?
I know we could do it if we could just figure out how.
Why is it so hard to discover the secret of death?
If we could conquer it, we could give him breath.

10-6-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)

God, It Hurts

God, it hurts

    to know I’ll never see him again,

    to know he’ll never come back.

God, please give him back.

Make it like it never happened.

Please. Please.

    It just has to be a dream.

 

No, I know God.

    Dean is better off now.

    He’s not suffering or hurting.

    He’s gone. He’s finally at rest.

Please take care of him.

And God, I still love you.

    It may hurt, but God

 

life on earth will always be hard

    and painful a lot times.

    Just please don’t leave us.

    Please be real.

I KNOW YOU ARE.

I just love you so much.

    In Sweet Jesus name I pray.

         Amen.

 

6-26-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)
Inspiration: my dear cousin Dean

Family Pain

Pain?
I’ll tell you what another aching pain is.
Pain is knowing your family is in pain, that your loves ones are hurting,
on a holiday… Thanksgiving.
The holiday we always get together on, yet this time
we’re all missing someone… one of our family members.
To some a son, a grandson, a nephew, an ex-boyfriend, a friend, a best-friend,
a neighbor, a fiance, a favorite student, a coworker, and my cousin.
It hurts to know he can’t be here with us.
And even if I were able to smile, I still couldn’t over knowing my family is hurting.
I can’t erase their pain. I can’t change the situation.
Or best yet, I can’t even bring him back.
We can’t give him a hug… just one hug, or even just say Happy Thanksgiving.
Instead we must find a way to enjoy the day without him.
Imagine that.
As much as we miss him and want him back,
as much as we hate that he’s going to never return,
it’s a rule of life that we have to smile and act as though everything is OK & be thankful.
That is if we want to be normal again.
For my family, friends, and cousin… I love you all.
And let me assure you that no matter what therapists, people, or strangers say,
to love, miss, and want Dean back is normal.
And if we feel like it’s criminal to enjoy the first holidays without him,
then that’s quite a normal feeling.
However, I am here for you. I pray for us all.
May God comfort us and the world wide.
May He be with all families… after all, we are all His children.
Love Deeply and Sincerely,

Gail… your cousin, niece, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, and love.
11-28-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)
Thanksgiving Day

DEAN

Dean,

Your death was more than we were ready for,

it happened in such a hurry.

I wonder what caused you pain.

What would make you worry?

Your whole family was stricken with heartache

and destroyed by your deed.

What would make a loving heart

want to see his heart bleed?

Your friends were all horrified

to know that you would make

a decision to take your life,

knowing their hearts would break.

Can’t you find an antidote

to cure our ailing souls?

Without you to reassure us,

our world just doesn’t seem whole.

Find a moment in your new found home

to think of us and know

we’re waiting for that day to come

when heaven lets us go.

7-2-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)

1991, The Year to Have and Learn

1991 was a good year for me,
even though there was just as much bad.
It brought to me the many friends,
as well as taking the ones I had.
It took so many lives of those
who were so loved by us all.
And even though their voices are gone,
I can still hear them call.
It was a year of helping others
and having loads of fun,
a time of many hard working days,
yet a time of lazy ones.

So many times I ran in fear
to someone in distress,
then turned around a little later
and gave my friends the best.
So many lights of friendship gone,
so many new and bright.
Once again, it was a year
to love and hate the light.
It was a year of touch and see,
a year of holding back.
For as many tears that built inside,
the concern was much to lack.

It was a year of seeing rock
come to awe my eyes.
For what the human eyes never saw,
it was more than a surprise.
Ninety-one was certainly long
and a whole new thing to learn.
For as many things that taught us to laugh,
many taught us to burn.
It was a year of meeting people
and accepting them for who they are.
Having a blast over anything,
and loving someone from afar.

It was a time to miss a lot,
as lives and events escaped.
They can never be replaced again,
but the future must be laid.
So all in all, as I can see for now
the year was a great success.
For as much as we wanted to live and learn,
we certainly don’t have any less.

12-31-91 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)