Note to God

God, First of all, Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday to your Son, Jesus! I’m glad today was a good day in the family of the Lances. We were incredibly warming today. You would think that the world should move in or make peace. Thank you for a wonderful family, Father. I couldn’t ask for a better one. There is no better, except yours of course.

Jesus, I must be honest with you. I was so frightened and still am. It was so horrifying when Anthoni Lance laid his head back and stopped crying or breathing. I was terrified that he was having another seizure.

Oh God, It really scared me. I can’t believe I freaked out like that. I could have lost my son. I am the worst mother. I am so incapable of taking care of him. He deserves better. He really does. He deserves God! He needs love. He needs the proper care, of someone reliable. I am totally irresponsible.

Love Gail

1-27-89 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)
PS. I wrote this on a day when we had a family dinner at my grandmother’s house, and my little 8 month old boy was running through her house having such fun and laughing so hard when he fell. When I picked him up he limped back with his head and wasn’t breathing. I didn’t freak out outwardly, but inwardly I was instantly back a month or so when I had taken him into his doctor’s office for an uncontrollable fever.
While there he went limp, with his eyes rolling back in his head. When I stepped into the hall to yell for help, they took him from me into another room. At times the door would open and I could see his body seizing. They told me he was having a rheumatic fever seizure. They took him by ambulance to the hospital and would not allow me  to ride with him. He spent 2 days in ICU, and 4 days in the hospital. They never could figure out why, but he had to be given adult dosage Tylenol along with adult dosage Phenobarbital to get the fever and seizures under control. He was put on the Phenobarbital for a year. I was afraid this was another episode.
My grandmother immediately told me, “Gail, Shake him! He’s stopped breathing! You’ve gotta shake him!” So I did. And he started breathing. My grandmother told me that sometimes little children, especially babies laugh so hard they stop breathing. She said they needed shaking to help them. I felt so inadequate compared to my experienced grandmother. I would learn through the years through my own experience and witnessing others that it is a natural feeling from new parents, or in any crisis, especially when someone older or experienced new what to do during a life or death situation.

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